i am told that I am the seeing
the pure seeing
that is not
affected by what is seen.
in the same breath I am told
that I am not the seer nor the seen.
not the hearer nor the heard
indeed I have been told so eloquently
that what I am is unaffected by anything appearing
on the screen of existence………..

so why does it feel as if this body/mind is imploding
or melting into a pool of useless waste
with no salvageable parts or any redeemable returns
dissolving into the quagmire of humanity
not to meet wisdom or clear seeing
but to be another wasted life on a heap of billions of others……

because that’s just the way it is in this sordid play called life
we play till we’re played out
smoked out
sexed out
hoped out
seen out
tricked out
lied out
mothered out
but eventually outed we are….
whose idea was this dream anyway……..
and can we ever wake up?
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nina said…
I have come to see depression as that space when we are seeing what is going on and how the what-is-going-on applies to you, specifically, and what it portends, for you specifically. The at-ease time, when we are not depressed, is when we are seeing what we want to be going on.
This is saying that depression is valid seeing. Being valid, you then are in a position to choose what tools are available to you to move towards what you want. Obtaining what you want and seeing what is going on is the goal, you want to feel better about your situation overall while being clear in your position. You have a right to feel your life has purpose and direction. We all do. This is a natural law of sentient beings, God-given. The only one who can take it away is yourself, the only one who can restore it is yourself. Balance between the two poles of consciousness is where we operate optimally. This has nothing to do with serotonin uptake or pharmaceutical bullshit. This is you in the now exercising your birthright to personal balance. If there is an aggrivator in the baggage, let it go, or at the least, work around it. You have to live as best you can within your circumstance. At any time, you are doing your best. There is no time you are not doing the best you can. Your life is yours alone. Love yourself.
And another take, did you see this: You are what you are looking for
psychegram said…
It sounds like you're ready to wake up. In the depths of a nightmare that always sounds impossible ... no matter how much you thrash and struggle, the dream refuses to let you go, and then, suddenly ... your eyes are open.
Anonymous said…
I wrote this at mirrors:
"Les, your comment about being at peace struck me--simple as it was--it is the same way I
feel-somewhat of a foreign feeling--couldn't put a label on it- "the at peace disconnect"-even with all the foreboding posts and news of doom and gloom--WTF--it'll be what it'll be--might not be a sequel so pay attention the first time around"--
Is it live--or is it Memorex?
The Real Jj

Hi Su, Good to see you back--this is a slimy time in a sense for me-- stripping away the mask of father, husband, and life as I knew it, etc-I feel so disconnected even from those closest to me-it's stark, and gray right now --but no worries--and I don't know what's coming next-but I know I have to be here...to get there--wherever "there" is--metaphorically speaking-the "at peace" is where I hope I am heading because I'm just kind of slightly numb and feel like life has slimed me with glue or some kind of mucous--got outside yesterday and did some stuff, but it was just stuff that needed doing--playing guitar this morning was peaceful--first one up and had the living room with it's high ceilings to bounce the notes off of--it was sweet--I feel constricted other than having fleeting conversation-I'm the fly on the wall-looks like Les is going through the valley of the shadow of death over there--rough ride for him but he's a tough son-of-a-bitch--he'll come out the other side--whatever that means--and so will we--and if it's all bullshit, so be it--

As I wrote this, a thought occurred, or was given to me--I feel so disconnected because my brain is not following me around much any more--perhaps the "rawness" is that spirit is taking over and there is a transition period where things get pretty drab--no lightening bolts for me I guess--just slogging through the mud--but the bright side is, I'm barefoot and it feels squishy between my toes like when we were kids.

Please keep us posted--I'll do the same

Jim (Jj)
Anonymous said…


Jim (Jj)
Anonymous said…
Perhaps (my words) you and Les are not going to have your epidural--ganja and Special K--this is going to be a natural birth?

Anonymous said…
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?
Sending Ruby Slippers-- you know what to do

nina said…
Dear Su, its check in time again. come in ... come in ... do you read me ...
Anonymous said…
I miss my friend Su..........

Anonymous said…
The literature of "what you are told" is just a place holder to keep your mental attention until the time when it becomes possible to surrender the mind and enter into the spiritual process for real.
susana said…
I am back after a splendid adventure.
As far as entering the spiritual process for real - I am the process itself. Ha ha.

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