Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bashed into an embrace of Simplicity

On a misty pre spring day, alive with the newness of the season.
Verdant green fields punctuated with yellow petals adorn the landscape.
There is such a softness , even the ground is springy with moisture.
 Indeed there has been a puddle in one street which has lasted for three weeks.
 I cannot stop a deep throated chuckle as I encourage it to last longer. 
Puddles are an unknown here.
The spring birds are out, the raw milk is so rich and creamy, the hens,  well the hens  ,  they are just laying so prolifically.  Nature is being so abundant.    In every glance, every breath, every sound there is the Divine expressing itself.
In the midst of this I suddenly felt stirrings in my heart.
 And my friends that I have not hugged in person came to the sacred space deep in my chest..  Nina, Zoner, Bholonath, John, Tim, Scrap JJ.   What a presence.   How much love do I hold for you.  What space did we truly meet up in that finds us all these years later still wondering, still caring, still wanting to hug the brother/sister hood.
The journey that we started on, found me taking suicidal chances in raising my children.
And for me a vital, vital part of being human is in raising consciousness.
I was open to the plants and their teachings.

Tao is a grower of food and herbs.
Cian is the rock of the earth and an artist and farmer.
Sage, well he is an alchemist and probably my great teacher.   He had a particularly challenging journey in that at one point he was into crystal m----.   He spent hours listening to Terrance McKenna and Alan Watts.   Healed completely.  Hermes is his inspiration.  San Pedro his teacher and friend.   Multi dimensional being.
Iona is alsmot grown  is now a published poet, in two anthologies.   Pushing to go to another school next year so I might step into Cape Town.
All those years my friends kids were excelling at really good schools.  And all i was doing was growing herbs, baking bread and keeping the fires burning.
And did I mention that they are the most unspoilt human beings you will meet.

There were all those years when I really felt I had failed so abjectly.
Born into a world that had no culture, made no sense whatsoever.
Never learnt what i was meant to learn at school –like how to be successful in this world.
Always just looking and shaking my head.  All I wanted was to have greater understanding to that it would make sense.
It seemed like I was not manifesting abundance because I was not in the vortex, or bad karma.  The extreme financial hardship made me feel less than good enough or deserving.
Until it did not any more.
I have come to see how every single step, detour, fall down, elevation has been to lead me to the space where what I value most in my outer world is less stuff  and greater simplicity.
 Not in a cutesy, homely, cottagey way – just in the acceptance of what is present and the de=light in that presence.

Today I smelt the first jasmine of spring.  Discovered a white lavender bush.  Walked whilst singing sacred names,  holding a whole lot of love in my heart for all who read these words.  
Should you wish to hug just ring the bell.
 My youngest.  Called for at Arunachala 2000.  One of my many Blessings

Thursday, April 2, 2015


Will be climbing the mountain for the 7 day quest.
May I be open to receive the wisdom needed.
May I be open to know the Truth in full.
May the small self stay out of the way.

Friday, February 27, 2015

The Sacred Dart

I am in the softly cooing dove the sunlight shining from far above
the gusting of the rustling wind
the composting of fallen leaves
surrendered by the towering trees
i am in the traffic on the road
and in the ragdoll newly sewed
 in the freshly fallen quince
and in the birdbath newly rinsed
i am  in the range of the teachers dart
with the possibility of seeing the Most Perfect Heart
i am in the whistle of the itinerant worker
and equally present in the stride of the eternal shirker
i am in a sacred moment aware
of the I given to all
by God’s most precious Care.
I am in love and in devotion
in soft words largely unspoken
in that eternal space within
where by Grace, despite some sin
I am held in the most tender embrace
with the fiercest of love
All in the Presence of the cooing dove.

        With hearfelt love and nuture to Bholonath. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

As I gently crack open


surrounded by other cracking psyches,  I petition intelligence to change the scene, to give some space and ease to all of us who :

who have fought the fight
who have shone with courage
who quivered with strength
who has just managed to play along with this existence and it's insanity.

no one is being spared.
we have gone from incredulous to silent, worn, in watch mode,
seemingly fallen from grace.

to all who feel unworthy due to their lack of successs, lack of riches,  lack of parenting awards, lack of anything - maywe know  the  fullness of being and its attendant peace.

to all those who just keep falling off the wheel  - those who are just lain out, hollowed and disbelieving - may we re-discover the magnificence of your being.

and may the eternal mother father God recognise our journey and how much it has taken in effort and courage, and may that loving God grant us respite.
may the loving God grant humanity  ease,  sense of well being.
 a time of anxiouslessness o of peace, of joy, of recovery, of celebration, of jubilation.

may we all experience a miracle this Christ season.
may we all just have a chance to breathe and smile again in the certainty that I am.

with much, much love to all who read this ,  you know who you are.
and if any of you know the art of prayer - please pray on my self and family.

not so very long ago when we had moved from one challenge to the next - we landed up towing a vehicle from the mountains and this is what surrounded us.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Celestial Soups from a Celestial Gathering.

Again my intention is to write more often and again I find myself spending free time in the garden watching the light infuse the leaves, the blossoms, the bees.  And in that space I am captivated and unable to tear away from.   So forgive me my absence, it is in physicality and words only and not in heart.

It is my intention to fil you in on where I am stainding in life right now.
What happened with the unschooling,  the new tribes,  the imminent changes and such.
Butuntil I manage that with its attendant sorrows,  I am posting soup recipes.
Nothing hidden in that title.

The last weekened saw Pieter, Iona and self heading off towards Stanford - to a retreat held by an old friend Georgina and capable helpers    And although in truth we know we are never born and never die,  for celebration purposes we were celebrating her 60th earth day. 
Starting on a Friday night with a mushroom ceremony as the moon entered Scorpio,  allowing some deeply buried stuff to move out with overwhelming intensity for many.
And then the weekend simply unflowed, with much san pedro.deep connecting,  gardening, resting,  laughingsilencing, voicing, and all the time celebrating.  Needless to say the eating was high up on the list.  And thus the point of this very overdue blog.  Because I undertook to capture and share the recipes and chose the format to do so , so that my beloved blog tribe can also participate.

 The most beautiful Gioni and her grandbabes, Coco and Ava.

So the first one is :

Sweet potato, spinach and coconut soup

1 tspn paprika
1 tbsn ginger  (grated)

1 tbsn garlic (crushed)
1 large onion (chopped)
1 tspn curry paste (thai green)
600ml veg stock
Juice of 1 lime
1/4 tsp crushed chilli (skins only)
2 cups fresh spinach (chopped coarsely)
1 tin coconut milk
1 large sweet potato (cubed)
2 tbsns oil.

- fry chopped onion with curry paste, ginger and garlic until soft, add sweet potato and fry for a minute.
  add stock and boil till tender but not soft, add lime juice and coconut oil, paprika, chilli and boil for a further 5 minutes.
-let cool slightly and puree half of the soup.
-bring back to boil and once it starts to boil add spinach and serve.

Sitting around the fire on Saturday night, some frequent ceremony goers voted this without doubt the best soup ever.  A very high recommendation.

Zuchhini Soup

1 chopped onion
1 pack zucchini cut into rings
1 tbsn thyme
600ml veg stock
1 tub cream cheese.

-fry onion with thyme until soft
-add zuchini and stock and boil for 30 minutes
-remove from heat and add cream cheese
-let it cool and liquidize soup.
-bring back to the boil and remove from heat
as soon as the first buttles appear.
-Serve with sprinkle of cayenne pepper.

And on that note I love and leave you to do a spring walk, with the aromatic scents bursting forth.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.

Ha ha.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Planted on the mountain.

So the day I had been dreading arrived.
Why do something you dread a few around me asked.
Well sometimes the heart decides on something and despite the antics of the mind a decision is held to.
And thus I find myself travelling with much trepidation to a venue where I have decided to follow an ancient path of intitiaiton.  When you do one vision quest you align yourself to completing the 7, 9 and 13 day quests as well.  This,  the four day one is to bring about humility.
Tao,  my 20 year old son is with me.

Leading up to this moment in time,  I had prayed for it and prayed for it to be cancelled with equal fervour.
For me the thought of 4 days wihtout shelter was okay,  4 days without food was okay, 4 days without water would be the difficult and not without danger - so mind spend many hours singing to me.
And the cold.   Only natural fibers could be taken up and I had no waterproofing and no  groundsheet.
Where was my large, thick sheepskin - purely in the  land of wishful thinking.
So once again I am the underprepared one.
A duvet , a coat , a grass mat and two sweaters are packed into a non plastic bag.
When I see my fellow questers and their organization the doubts once again come surging in .

We sit in the sweat lodge.   They have chosen large stones.  And because on the Red Path, the numbers 13, 9, 7 and 4 are the numbers of stones used.  It is intense.   So much is sweated out that I doubt I have any moisture left in this body.   And from there straight to be planted on the mountains.  No washing the muddied sweat of us - not a sip of water as we cross the gurgling stream.   Seven men and seven women - 14 in total climb the mountain to be planted in our space where we will remain for 4 days and 4 nights.    14 of us - on the 14/4/2014.  The night of the cardinal cross and the blood moon.
In the sweat we gave up our voices to the silenceand in that space we left the community and went to meet ourselves.

We walked up to a space which was to be my womb for the next 4 days and 4 nights.   I was immediately disappointed.    Life can be such a bitch.   I had been told as I was the eldest I would probably get the nicest spot at the top,  smooth and easy.  Instead I am placed first,  closest to the water and not a square inch of flatness or space to be comfortable in.    And did my mind react violently to this discomfot.   And how do you know life wants you to have something - because it gives it to you.   Simone and Beth had decided back at support base that they probably would have to move me but when they came up to do so - it was one of the few short minutes in those 96 hours that I actually had slept and with that comforting them they left me in the lair.

We had been taught how to breathe in water from the air and the remarkable thing was that my mouth never ran dry.    I had very strong images of the ceremonial bucket used in the 4 tobacco ceremonies and the cup used to serve the sacred water.   I saw this vessel more than anything else.    It became the Grail.  Sacred water was my only desire.

Originally it was my intention to pray solidly with the mantras that I had come to cherish and savour.   I had looked upon it in the lead up as an opportunity for uninteruppted devotion.   An hour after being planted I stepped into eternity.  This time there would have no end,  forever I would be alone on the mountain.  I wore my fingers numb counting the days and nights, just hoping that I might have miscounted.  The mantras mouthed silently dried up at the end of the first day.  They would not be spoken, sung or contracted in any way whatoever.

The mornings and evenings the conches would be blown in the 4 directions,  and the most heartfelt prayers would be sung.  It was the coldest time of the day.   The first morning,  madrinho Simone sang with such heartfelt love and passion that a sob from the deepest part of my being was born and rumbled in and around the earth.   And in between those prayers my monkey mind was king.   Uncontrollable.  Nothing to distract it.  Like a stuck record complaining over and over again about the spot I was planted on.  Blah blah blah blah.  You all know the relentlessness of the mind - well meet it without a single distraction and you have a version of hell.  I questioned what I was doing up there - vowed I would never ever do anything on the medicine path again.  So much like childbirth.  The joy of being in early labour,  then the exhaustion and despair and the vow to never allow this to happen to your body again.  Then the relief of the birth and holding the living child.  Except I was a long way from the relief.    And in between,  the issue of homelessness of my fellow humans would not leave me alone.  Eyes of despair and hopelessnes kept appearing.  Heartbreak and loss,  aloneness and abandonment, war and refugees, hundreds and hundreds of eyes kept tapping on my soul.  The pain of life for the majorty of humanity  became my shroud up on the mountain.

In a moment of absolute desparation I remember to follow the breath.   To set a peg at every master number - 11 -22-33-44-55-66-77-88-99 and on each master number to be present to what arose.  Suddenly mind was no loger ruler - it was being entertained by keeping count and the heart would utter something on the number and a smile would arise and the count would continue.   Teachers, saints, loved one's, elements, aspects of nature,  places needing healing, qualities, attributes, essence arose one after the other in full presence.    That first day that I found myself in Living Prayer, 3800 conscious breaths unfolded, each with a wish a prayer, and gratitude.  A place of great stillness and peace.

The 3rd night I had a dream that I was with a long dead friend of mine -  in the dream the question of him being alive or not did not arise,  all that did exist was my delight at being with him again.  I wanted to let Pieter know where I was but the phone gave a mesasge that a call could not be made from that dimension.  The next moment a wave of heat , unlike anything I had every known engulfed me and woke me up.  I threw the duvet off and stripped naked on that mountain, despit the low temperature.  My heart was pounding as if I had just received the largest non fatal dose of adrenaline.  And then in the distance I heard the support/love team singing the Santo Daime, Santa Maria hinario.  The sacred fire in the altar in the night was the Daime cross and it was pointing straight towards me.

And yet, despite the absolutely overwhelming miracle of unfoldment that was present,  mind reasserted itself on the final morning.  Restless,  having had enough and still bitching about the sloping piece of land I awaited the harvest.   When Beth and Simone approached me and hugged me a sob arose.  That human contact was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.

We went straight into another sweat lodge still with no water,  so all the water that had been in our bodies had been sweated, urinated out.  The third round we smoked the sacred tobacco and our voices came back via song and sharing.  And then that cup of water from the ceremonial bucket was passed around and I have never in my life been more grateful for anything more.  New water for the body.  We drank, and drank.  Had watermelon and grapes in water.  The most delicous food I have ever eaten.  And drank some more and were then adviced to eat some soup to replace saline. And the body held onto the water for 16 hours before it would pass any of it through .   This whole body of water that I am was anew and afresh.

And from there we moved straigth into the closing 4 tobacco ceremony where I found my place in the grand scheme of things and arrived home.   Surrounded by such clarity, love, understanding, faith, wisdom, ancient knowledge I was welcomed as True Being..    The little me,  the chattering monkey mind with all her stuff is still on the mountain,  surrounded by the prayer flags and the sacred mountain air.  I send her love and gratitude.

I am indebted to the keepers of the ancient knowledge.
To the beings who with such love and such dilligence enabled this transistion.
To the songs, to the elders, to the sacred fire, to Mother Earth,  to the knowing.
To my family who encouraged me and allowed me my doubts and encouraged me to follow through.
To Iona who the night before went around the mountain in the pouring rain, praying for my safety.
To Beth and Enio for the wisdom and the message.
To Mike and Simone for holding the vision and for the land.
To the very generous being who donated and allowed this to happen.
And to Life itself and all her ascended masters.
To the bat, the dragonfly and scarab beetle who came to reasure me.

Aho Metakiase

I find myself in the evening sitting by the fire, making the  prayer flag for next year when God willing I will do the 7 day Quest.

  Aangirfan has been blocked out of the website.  New address http://aanirfan.blogspot.co.uk/


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Rest in Peace

Pacific Ocean born 4.54 million years ago
Died officially 2014.

I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you.

God help Earth and her creatures, we have sure fucked it up.

The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Buddha