Pre-sence as a suspect.....

Ah since I last wrote,  the winter solstice found me jumping over a fire and leaving the unwanted aspects of self behind.  A rather big fire that the kids glided over effortlessly.  For me it was more of an effort.  I still have some issues that need shedding.  The queen had her jubilee and I became aware of how even she is a puppet.  I mean what reptilian overlord would stand in the rain for so many days in such dismal situation with the poor Brits trying to be pompous and ceremonious but to me just looking like sodden sheep.

Madonna continues her world tour with her whole satanic stage show and her crowds of supporters who must have come directly from lobotomy are us inc.   The sabers rattle over Syria and Iran but then Colorado had some pretty hectic fires.  My take on it is that it was indeed arson but a direct veiled threat to the Obama administration that there are many ways to wage a war and this is just one of them.  So it has mostly been Israel jumping up and down in her guilded poison cage.   I was saddened beyond measure at the failed assassination attempt on Hilary Clinton in Egypt.  Equally saddened that it did not get any msm news coverage.
And to think I used to be a Buddhist and wish no one harm.  Well times change and hearts harden and soften simultaneously.

Well that is yesterdays news which is the same as the day before yesterdays news which is the same as the news 10 years ago.
Today it is early in the morning and I am wrapped up warmly and walking down to the police station.  India, the boxer dog that lives with me follows me and I only discover this after three blocks.  Take her home.  She gives me that concerned look.  She knows me so dam well.  Take her home and ensure she stays there and head off again.  I am determined to be a present as possible.  I don't want to go one minute into the future otherwise I am in the mental plane.  I don't want to head into the past otherwise I slip into stories.

The smoke of wood fires dominates the senses.  As well as the ice on my skin.  The trees are all completely naked.  And yet on the ground there are carpets of winter flowers called sour suckers.  They stand tall.  I pick one and suck on the end.  Then I recall that it probably has dog pee on it.  Spit it out.  Get to the police station.  The two inspectors greet me and ask me to wait  by the car.   Also waiting by the car is a young woman with a babe in her arms.  We are going to be co travelers.  Her babe has a blanket over its head and it wants out,  It's little arms keep trying to swipe it away but she diligently places it back in place. I am a suspect and she is a complainant.
So how did I get here awaiting a lift to court in a police car.

Greta, whom I have mentioned before had left an abusive relationship and moved in here with Matthew.   I was present at this birth and we thus have a rather deep connection.   It took an enormous amount of courage for her to leave the home that she had created.  She carries the deepest feelings of unworthiness I have met in a person and at the same time is the most dynamically alive and radiant being. 

Every relationship has an energy body surrounding it.  This particular one had a combination of ahdd, crystal meth, alcohol, physical violence.  In between that there were some sweet notes of connectivity,  guitar,  and ummm guitar and oh I think that is it.  So this energy field was prone to drama on a large scale.  Drama and violence.  The partner is a huge man - well over 6 foot 7.  She is tiny.  Just pops 5.2.  She had left him many times before but when out on her own with Matthew the world just seemed to dismal and frightening and the energy field would pull her back.

So this time I got a message in my dreams that she was to move in with us and I was to offer her my home for ever if need be.    And between the drama and threats from him we had a lot of fun.    Every home should have two women.    Cooking together, cleaning together, aware of what was needed.  Scraping the pennies together for electricity.  Laughing through some extremely challenging financial times.  It was really cool to have someone to aid and abet with.  And Matthew was the cherry on top of the cake.

Of course it was not all sweetness.  Hence I am on my way to court as a suspect in a criminal injuria case.  This happened after he had sent the cops to our home for 3 days in a row claiming that she was threatening his safety.  I mentioned his size hey.  And that he had attacked Tao, my 17 year old son.  And that he had called the police to search our property claiming he was 100 percent sure we had vast quantities of cannabis in our possession.  He worked on the property adjoining ours and his presence was a constant threat.  But we endured.   And on the second day my ailing, dying mother in law saw the police coming again and in her dementia tried to get up to see what was going on and fell cutting her head open and needing stitches.  On the third day it was Matthew's party and the police arrived in the midst of all these sweet innocent kids to serve Greta papers.

And at that point I just lost it.  I stormed over there and called him a little man.  He told me to go and smoke a bong and I told him to go and smoke his meth.
Well blow me down the next day the police come and issue me with papers for criminal injuria.  I can pay a fine or I can go to court.  Well what would you do?
So a case is opened,  I am finger printed and three thousand pages are filled in about this incident.   So the main charge was that I had called him a little man and shown him my middle finger.  Can you believe it in this country,  with the one of the highest murder and rape rates in the world the police actually take this case on?

And when this all started I was in the midst of a 10 week process dealing with presence.  A very powerful and a very uncomfortable journey.  But one that hey guess what evoked Pre-sence.

So today with the mist lifting and the earth smoking and the mountains magically appearing and the sun rampantly breaking through, I was with each breath as it unfolded.  Smelling the smells in the car.  Watching how Cosntable van Dyk kept breaking the speed limit.  Having to hit my imaginary brakes a few times.

And then we get to court.  Shit on the toilet seat.  No chairs whilst we wait.  I have been standing in the passage for an hour.   Still fascinated at how the pants the males were wearing were all at half mast but never sank beyond that.  I positioned myself where a shaft of light reached me.  I closed my eyes, folded my arms and sank into the sanctuary that I have come to know as my Self.

All was well in my world.    Some time later someone tapped me on the shoulder to tell me the prosecutor had thrown the case out.

Walking home till someone who drove past would give me a lift,  I find myself moving through the town.  The day is warming up.  I take off a scarf.  I cross the bridge.  I walk past the sewerage plant.   Walking fast and easily I past a row of ancient blue gums.  I am compelled to greet each one individually.  I get to the river.  It is heavy and swollen and flowing fast.

I return home and spend the day on the couch watching the light filter through the trees.
Thanking life for the miracle of each moment.  Thanking life for the miracle of each breath.
And thanking life most of all for the magic of Light.

There is no doubt that the changes we have been told are coming are here.
It is no longer about stockpiling food or ensure physical survival.
I really get that the only thing that is worth doing right now is finding out once and for all who we really are.
And it is not the limited being we have been sold as our birthright.

We are the all knowing, omnipotent, omnipresence here on earth at this time.
Breathe in,  feel it,  know it, celebrate it.
With much love and respect to you all.

If you do read this, please talk to me again, I so love conversation.

Highly recommended   -


Anonymous said…
good work su, so glad to see your message.I had a "lawish" incident myself lately. "The Republican Women's Federation of Lake County" invited none other than John Yoo to speak at a luncheon on Obamacare. He is a "law professor" at Berkeley, infamous for writing some legal positions about water boarding not amounting to torture at the behest of "the Bush Administration". He is on some people's lists for war criminals for the Iraq war. I felt that somehow he needed to get a body-message about this matter he had facilitated. So I went to the gathering to try to have an impact, since I have myself personal experience on the receiving end of such interrogation treatments . The room was full of old republicans and my white longish hair and flip-flops stood out enough that the organizer, an angry-eyed fascist lawyer-bitch in her fifties, asked me acidly if I minded if she took my picture. I was trying to play it cool with my nose in the books at the book table until I got my moment with Yoo so I assented and smiled. Then another one took my picture behind me, such good little citizens they were. Finally Yoo talked and invited questions on his topic or "anything else." So I had my opening. I raised my hand and he gave me the floor so I said I wanted to take issue with him on the issue of water boarding being torture, that I had experienced it, and that I was sure I could get him to admit anything I chose within an hour right there on the floor. The lawyer said I was off topic but I said he had invited any questions and anyway it was on topic because we were really talking about government coercion. He was smooth, and repeated his justifying narrative that "it was wartime" and things that were not appropriate for police to do on citizens were necessary to gather intelligence "in wartime." I said that was merely one "narrative." Then the lawyer said it was time for the meal and he said we could talk about it later. Then the lawyer said, Oh, it turns out it is not yet time to eat after all, so everyone should just take a break for a few minutes. I went over to him to see if I could continue the discussion but it wasn't happening. I had somewhere else to go so I left, wasn't interested in the Tri-tip lunch but I probably could have gone pretty deep with him if I had more time. He seemed like a mild-mannered law nerd, checking off his career climb boxes on the way to a slot as a "Supreme Court" judge one of these days. It was hard to believe that he was serious about his take on the law and the world, but there it was...
Timster said…
Su - You more than anyone I read, have the ability to bring me with you. I am always in awe of how you can do that. Please keep writing...forever.
Zoner said…
Lovely to see your words here again, and agreed that it is like walking at your side and being in your pre-sence.

Of course the case was tossed, and it boggles that it even went as far as it did really, but I suppose the man had to be appeased. I do hope this beast does not continue his ill behavior, and wish that I could be there to...........well, that never ends well does it? Hearing of an abusive relationship close to home here as well reminds how blessed those are that see no violence in their daily lives. For too many it is the "norm" and much of it is done in my name as an American citizen.

Please meet me at that place where we meet sometime soon. I have been waiting patiently and will continue to do so. Sending my love to you and your family - 2 -legged and 4 as well.
su said…

What happened to the days when the States was free.
Or was it ever free.
I recall at the age of 9 flying solo to see my dad in CA. Had to stop at Chicago. It had been 36 hours of traveling at that stage.
Going through customs and asked if I had anything to declare I jokingly said a bomb.
Well that went down like a bomb.He called another guy over and threw all my stuff out the case and when it came to my panties they handled them with extra flourish.
I was 9 for gods sake and this was 1969.
So good on you for questioning the unacceptable in both peace and war.
su said…

Ah my friend, thank you so much for that. Regarding a stream of happening I am involved in that was the most fortuitous comment you could have come up with.
su said…

See you later.
Anonymous said…
dearest su,

thank you for this great posting. always such a pleasure to read a new article of yours.

an increasing number of people are voicing that moving or stockpiling food are a no go... instead of going off in a frenzy to find a safe space, people are tuning into their 'own heads' -for lack of a better concept on my part- and mentioning Love... and nurturing and neighbourhood.
and i have -in my experience- found that being broke can bring about creative juices and mindful living conditions.
keep on breathing...
with Love and Respect
Anon said…
Life is strange.

- Aangirfan
su said…

Good on you for the breathing.
Love that you still are.

Yes the only prepping worth doing is discovering who you really are.
And it ain't this body.

How has the Arizona summer being this year?
Anonymous said…
Hello su,,,,have missed your writings,,,,I expect the isolation you was feeling was actually felt by everyone else too,,,,,,
Like you I'm in a constant state of questioning,,being led into all sorts of different scenarios,some of them debilitating others ecstatic,,, no agenda other than to learn and see where the tide takes me,,,,
Strange days in England at the moment,,,something in the air I thinks......have too wait and see

Big smiles for you everyday su,,.....neil. : )
nina said…
I am very proud of you for your bravery and courage.

Somewhere, in the Human Realm that must be crawling with wonderful animals and unimaginable beauty, there would be a tribal circle where we sit and laugh at the foibles of this particular incarnation.

su said…
greetings neil,

a very wise being whom i link to in this blog was asked about the secret and the law of attraction. he said that he was not interested in making his prison cell more comfortable but rather about smashing out of the cell.
i think this is where we are all being led. out of the cells.
and as restrictive as they were, and as limiting as they were, they were our comfort zone - hence the pain. the ecstasy comes about with the inherent knowing that the cell is being broken down.

all we can do is marvel at it all.
su said…

a few weeks ago we had several nights of extremely strong wind, violent in fact.
i did not sleep at all and with all the other stuff was vulnerable or brittle to breaking point.
but it was my challenge to go through winter in the tent.
so on my way out one night iona, who has just turned 11 calls me into the lounge.
she has made my bed by the fire and placed flowers and incense on the table.

before i can say anything she says to me "you are no less of a warrior by loving yourself".
and so for the past few weeks this bundle of joy that calls me mother and i have been sleeping together in front of the fire.
with blessings like this in life it is very easy to be brave.

and last night in my fire dream i had a dream of the painting you did of the truck. i wrote a poem about it i recall. in the dream we were both sitting in the truck, almost convulsing with laughter.
it felt so real.
it probably was.
good to see you again.
Anonymous said…
Vibrance opens
Pulling forth
Dynamic birds
The lightnings course
A crest of service
The charging wind
Sunlight emanated
The way within
A healing instant
The beating drum
A Mountain flower
The moonlight hum
Union living
Hearts tip force
In braids of sunshine
Eternitys source


Poem and big smile for you su....neil
su said…
Ah thank you Neil.
nina said…
I Used to be Shining and New and Agave are exactly the paintings I have been concentrating on for the past week, scaling for prints for the shows. It is only natural the vibe would transmit at the speed of light according to the dynamics of universal intelligence.
Iona, the Motherchild, new and shining brightly, I love to hear how she moves from flapjacks to revealing her wings.
DesmondSuSu writes:

I used to be shining and new My presence could get some hearts pumping through some jealousy flowing around and about but never heavy, just jibes from the crew. Gliding along pretty country roads to destinations of simple pleasures: the harvest picnic the easter service the village dance the drive on the days where there was nothing to do. My rear filled with laughing people delighted to feel the wind on their faces Lovers loving up front. The privacy of the cabin their aces. Cool water washing me down smooth polish would create a shine Now - Well strangely I'm no less content despite the rust and numerous dents The sun and moon still do their thing Still catch the breeze and her gentle me-anderings. Life as a pick-up is different now and some days to pass time I pretend I am a cow.

Its new all over again
Like Iona Jade
su said…
Ah Nina,
And that painting created those words.
Because as soon as I saw it, there they were.
Anonymous said…
How incredibly sweet to create such a bed for you, and to say such an amazing thing about the effort to be a spiritual warrior.

Asceticism as method is an ancient tradition. Applying the will in the attempt to destroy preferential desire is an interesting project.

My own will has never risen to the occasion with sufficient force, I don't know if it can, or maybe it requires whipping. Last night I watched a movie about Uday Saddam Hussein and there were clips of torturing the Iraqi Olympic athletes to spur them on to greater performance for the glory of Iraq.

Most people who think they are interested in freedom, I would say, are really just motivated by fear of pain. They are not really interested in "breaking out of the cell." If you set out to do tapas, you can increase your ability to endure discomfort compared to someone who has not conditioned themselves in this way, but I question whether the "egoic self" is ever destroyed by this practice applied by the egoic self to itself. I like to joke that it's like putting Nixon in charge of the Watergate investigation. But hey, what do I know?

It's great to keep breathing as a practice, but what if the universe is suddenly configured such that someone is pouring water on a towel on your face?
Then you have to see whether your will is strong enough to push past the choking/suffocation reflex, indefinitely. Last time, mine wasn't, but then I had not trained, maybe it would be different now.
If anyone here knows, please let me know, so I can hopefully do better next time.
Dublinmick said…
Testing I can never seem to get the letters right here.

Were there any crocadiles in that river?
su said…

This whole will strengthening thing is something I have resisted most of my life. Rudoolf Steiner introduced me to it at a very young age.
For me it is not about doing it to attain something but to see what arises whilst one is doing it.
At the same time I was doing The Presence Process so taking myself away from comfort and distractions just made the slate cleaner, clearer with Presence easier to recognize.
I don't know how any one survives torture.
I once went to Aangirfan and he had an image of a torture scene that still haunts me today.
My daily prayer is actually for those held in captivity and for those experiencing torture.
You did what you did under unnatural conditions - there was no way you could have done differently because if you were meant to have - guess what - you would have.
It all unfolded exactly as was the plan which was visible at the moment of your conception.
su said…
Dublin Mick,

God have I tried to post on your page.
Written out comments with flourish in cursive only to be stonewalled by not remembering my word press code .
They don't make it easy do they?
Good to see you.
And Mr Sun is really showing some major intelligence out there.
Sunspot 1520 (I think) a behemoth which so easily could have taken us out, turns away from earth before releasing her flare.

And yet the magnetosphere has gone ape shit.
We are so in the midst of changes.
It is finally happening.
Anonymous said…
I really admire Steiner's influence on education. I did not realize your children had that influence until you mentioned it, but now that you did, it is obvious in the incredible artwork at your place by the children of your household. Those works perfectly transmit the magical electrical excitement of really seeing the world that fortunate children have and artists try to keep past childhood.
Bless you for feeling and praying for the prisoners. I feel sympathy for them too, as well as anger about injustice and vicious aggressions. I can't make sense out of anything though, with the mind. It all becomes conundrum and paradox when I try to comprehend, say, notions of karma, how the play gets written, directed, and cast etc.

The only thing I can clearly identify is, there is Love, and there is Humor, and Reality must be supporting these forces in the play, and I am moved to support and extend and manifest these forces.
Dublinmick said…
I noticed that spot also SU. It would have been close to your meteorite happening! I still laugh at that.

I didn't know it was that hard to post on word press. Do you have to have a WP account to do it?

I don't know what they did to Kenny's site, the profile just turns blue and I can't post any type comment.

Then I don't have any trouble posting on Nina's site. Who knows?
Anonymous said…
to answer your question sue,for the last couple of weeks, this Arizona summer is perfect. the monsoon is actually happening during the heat of the afternoon and the 100+F temps drop to a cool 80-85F then, as a bonus, we sometimes get showers at night as well. Heaven!

we have had our 110+F 'dry heat' days in June and July. now we have entered into the 'muggy' days ... one day at a time until Sept/Oct.

happy to discover that there are lots of meteor fans out there.

with Love & Respect
Anonymous said…

It is getting insane.
Anonymous said…

It is getting insane.
su said…
Ha ha ha, I love it - I could not get onto this blog page for a few weeks.
Don't ask me why or how - hence my lack of response.

Brian - I love Steiner's creative approach and how age appropriate lesson plans are formed. Eg. start of adolescence they study the dark ages etc. Teaching is an art and one only learns through art in my mind.
The unfortunate downside with him is I think he smacks of racism and his followers are pretty dogmatic beings.
He always said do not translate my works out of German - they belong in that context.
Words that I am pleased we did not heed but also that I can understand why he said that.

su said…
And here I am trying to open the blog with no luck.
I could have posted indirectly but I am all into the silent signs.

My next blog is going to mention how I saw 22 shooting stars the other night.
From one goose bump to the next.
Just as well my fertility is waning as whenever I saw a cluster in the past I would then know that I had conceived.
Summer nearly over for you and thankfully winter nearly over here.
su said…
Dublin Mick,

It is getting so fucking insane that I find myself laughing at the most inopportune times.
Like speaking to the bank manager and trying to explain that I did not mean to be overdrawn but I wrote a bad cheque because I needed to feed the kids. He gave me a look of pure pontification and I just started laughing as if to say "mr - you don't know what is coming and this is going to seem like a walk in the park when it comes".

Find myself singing in the strangest places as well.
Earth is waking - we have all longed for this day.

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