This particlular expression

 I was walking in a field in the foothills of the Drakensberg Mountains many full moons ago. 
It was a place of much lightning and thunder.  It was where Sage was conceived.  It was where Jack
was born.  The dogs chased something up a tree,  a whole pack consisting of my dogs and the farmers dogs.
Pieter found Jack,  a creature  the size of my palm hanging on for dear life.  With his wild cat markings.

He journeyed with us cross country.  Sharing a small car with toddlers and an infant and Jack moving around as he pleased stretching at his convenience and meowing at his leisure.  We would stop in a huge field and never feel the need to contain him.  He would wander around and when it was time for us to move out,  he would know,  he would just be there.   Where we spent the night, a window would be left open and he would hop out and again appear when ................

He had years of sharing his space with uncaged animals.  Birds sleeping on his body, rats perch on his head and he just lay there, purring,  not resisting a dam thing in the world. Lizards would size him up.  Snakes slither over him.  Guineas rest on top of him.  In his world everything was perfect. Looking at him was  looking at perfect equanimity.    Even when he lost his sight a few years ago he would make his way to the furtherst reach of the garden and up the dilapidated old staircase leading to the loft.  Always finding the most perfect deep shadow in summer and dappled light in winter.
 
I have wanted to put him down for a few weeks now.  He just circled and circled the same spot in the garden, meowing, unable to move in a straight line - his joints hanging out of their sockets.  Seemingly searching for a place to die.    Weighing only 2kgs. To painful to be touched and held.    But Pieter was adamant not to be instrumental in his death.  For some reason he was of the thought that to  die naturally was the only option. .  He felt that Jack still experienced moments of joy.  I also think his mother, who lives with us is extremely frail, and perhaps at some known or unknown level he wanted to reassure her that he would not will her death in any way.  Although she would look at Jack and shake her head and say the poor bloodie cat. 

Lat night - with full moon in cancer - wolf moon - i ventured into the garden to check on him.  Tao was with me.  He was very restless.  We sat with him for a very long time.  He then made it clear to me he wanted to be alone.  We chanted for a while.

It was with gratitude and a profound sense of loss that I happened upon his body this morning in the leaves alongside the dam nearby the chickens roost.  He was still soft as I held him and said farewell. 

The journey continues without this beings physicality - and yet where could he ever go that would not be
in my heart,