Stepping out of mind.....god willing

My mind is no longer my friend.  I don't know when we reached this impasse but it seems to have stretched for an eternity. It is what comes between what is.   It is not that there is any animosity towards it.  It is , rather there occurs a delight in its absence.  Alongside the most profound thought I can have, is the pettiest thought.  With the most noble feeling is  ride the smallest sense of me.  Thought is mind.
Mind can be rampant if unchecked and seduced.
In the space between thoughts there is a stillness,  a cherished space where nothing can touch the untouchable.   A space of pure being - the natural state.

And yet what seems to have become a pattern is mind is running the show for longer stretches of time.  Or maybe not even more spent in its tyrrany but rather more emotions arising in its presence.  Mostly resistance - resistance to that over there arising in 'this world'.  

Upon awaking in the morning, my son Tao and I head up to the dam where we do our sungazing and walk the dogs.   Because we are in a mountain kingdom by the time the earth spins sufficiently for the sun to be visible it is already quite intense.  It starts off as a strip of light around the mountain and gradually exposes  its full beauty and majesty.  The dam full for now due to winter rains, is either still beyond belief or raging with its own patterns.
At this point all is well in my world.  There is peace,  there is tranquility and there is silence.

Until I come home and turn this machine on.  And link myself up to hell.  My main attraction was to the people I have come to know and love on here, but I see and hear too little for them for the balm of love to heal.  Instead I sit and cover myself in excrement.  Like today for example  Cameron and Sarkozy today declaring they are going to keep bombing Libya.
Like Prick Perry apparently being behind a bill to make the guardasil vaccine mandatory.  49
young women have already died for this and yet this industrial murdering machine allows it to continue.  And even here in Africa big pharma is threatening to shut all us herbalists down.  We won't even go into hackgate and how the entire met in London is free masons.  Is there any wonder that justice had not been served for Daniel Morgan or Madeleine McCann.
And every day it just gets sicker.  Every day I find the stench getting more unbearable.
This is the energy I am aligning myself to.  This is where I put my attention.  And does it help in any way - not a squat.
Can I stop myself from watching the cesspool.  No.

Just go and look at WRH today.  I don't think the page has ever looked worse.   Every story is such a travesty.  One wonders how on earth it got so bad.  Like going to sleep with a mouth full of chewing gum.  The damage done.  On to the next one.  My entire body closing down as the 57 trillion cells that I call me, sense the rest of its body's slaughter and heartache.  I feel it to the core.
The village baker catches me on a walk the other day.  She can just look at me and say a number up to 10.  When she says 10 then I am somersaulting in delight, if one then I am almost under.  She say 2 - and I go yeah.

My spiritual teacher tells me it is all just an appearance.  And I just feel well this horror at the injustice might just be an appearance, yet, it is appearing.  I am not separate from the child in a burn ward screaming, screaming, screaming.  I am not separate from the mother hearing the screaming and her heart smashing open.  And all she can do is hum softly.
In Iraq, In Afghanistan, In Gaza, and now in Libya.  Like 57 trillion cells that make up this body/mind in the dream, are connected to every other 57 trillion cells that make up other body/minds.  All one cell in humanity - human unity.

And then I listen to Jed  McKenna and he says he looks upon burn wards and opening flowers with the same eye.  And that too is true.
There are so many ways for this experiencing to manifest.

By grace, after several hours wrestling  with the magnitude of this injustice - life calls me into the garden where I partake of a plant.  And suddenly as the smoke rise, mind sinks.   There are no burn wards, there are no heartbroken mothers,  there are no corrupt cops.  There is no injustice and stupidity.  There is simply the sun,  the uncurling leaves,  the sweetest aromatic smells of spring.   My amygdala  dance in joy and delight.  The malachite sunbird swoops in op die wilde dagga.   The life has risen again.  It is unfurling and I am experiencing it.  Full on beauty.  No concepts or stories.

Ahhhhhh-  but there is that mind again that feels the need to be taken back to the scenes where so much is felt.   And again the 57 trillion cells are kept away from the beauty and life and fed something different.  Not meaning to pontificate in making a value judgement about one way being right and one way being wrong.  And I would love to accept whatever appeared.  But for that to happen, this individuated  mind needs to lose itself. It is not even about choosing it.  It happens, it unfolds.  It appears to be part of the programming.  How does one break away from the conditioned mind?  

I find myself in the garden by some spiky cactus.  I am told it is san pedro.  growing right at the back, to the right of the vegetable garden.  I have noticed how quickly it has grown.  I also see that there are parts that have been cut and the ends placed on the earth to re root.
Tao comes over to me and we look at them bathed in the sunshine.  Some mouse birds nearby in the loquat tree.   The chickens foraging passionately  around us.  He looks at me and asks me if I want to try it.  Why not - We prepare it - way too much of it.  A long process.  We drink it  - way too much of it.  And it tastes bad in addition to being slimy and gelatinous.  An instant gagging process but I want a break from mind - i want to return to the natural state ,  nothing else calls me deeper.

And as the plant energy causes a change in consciousness, mind feels this absolute terror.
I breathe into it.  I know it is too late to bail out.  I have deliberately eliminated milk thistle from the environment - i want to lose my mind.  And yet when the decoding starts I petition to the energy.  Firstly I beg for gentleness.  No smatterings.  No aborted awakening landing one in a life time of shizoidism.    I don't even want the beautiful visions and patterns.  What my eyes hold in this paradigm is of beauty enough.  I don't want anything that is not always present because then it will be lost.  So plant, show me what you are and thus what I am.
And then I find myself with my true intention in taking that plant and that is to know love.

And suddenly the hallucination turns itself off.
The fire is burning beautifully and there are two candles on the table.  There is a picture I have placed on the chair opposite me.  Next to this image lies a cat.  Every thing is as I know it - there is a great peace - there is a return to  normalcy.  Except that the picture on the couch  is moving.  The face is definitely moving.  The eyes stretch into a smile and the cheeks move in and out as it breathes.  I go to get the picture and bring it closer to me.
This  body is so very light that it feels as if my arms hardly exist - and yet in this lightness they reach out to the frame.  And the next thing I am looking at love.  Pure love.  Those eyes are these eyes.  Not separate.  Not two.  For hours and hours the gaze continues.  Tears flow river like.  Bliss.  This is Bliss.

Suddenly this reality changes.  The plants have availed themselves to me effortlessly and with no cost.  The journeys become increasingly frequent and are always solo.
A year ago I spoke of how Pieter wanted to move into the city and put the kids in schools etc.  He journeyed with a shaman into the land of ayahuasca and he saw the light.  He is wanting to bring the plants into his repertoire.  The dream keeps changing.

A few nights ago I dreamt of enormous boas.  Several meters long and bigger than my waist.  We were in a tangle and I was absolutely helpless.  I was being taken by the serpents.  The next day we are offered a place in an ayahuasca  ceremony in a village just over the mountain.  One has to go around the mountain to get to it.  Very different from here, much greener, much softer.

So once again the opportunity arises for the healing that happens in the absence of identification.
A ' teacher'  says no action needs to be taken.
And of course he is right.
Once again mind sits in fear that it might just lose itself.
And still the dance is danced.

I enter this realm again  with the intention  of love.
Nothing more than love.
May it fill my very being till completion.
May this cell in the body of humanity catch some light.

Note :  The face above, that of Ramana Maharshi.   Meeting his teachings was an eye opener.  For many years I had one book.  And no photograph.  And at that age I was prone to devotion.  When we moved to this village, I met someone who had been to the ashram in India and who gave me a photograph.  A few years later I went myself and the librarian took a shine to me and sent me boxes of books and photographs of Ramana.   Suddenly we had these pictures and after the fire they were the only pictures we had.  Slowly they found frames.  A friend of mine, an over top extremely camp decorator used to walk in roll his eyes and say oh god the ole guy again.   So this picture is always with me.  Always.
And yet on this occasion it spoke.
It spoke the only language worth hearing.


Anonymous said…
Dear Sister Su,
Thank you for this post, my truth bell was ringing as the words flowed around me like a river of warmth, lifting my spirit in this times, the link to hell can bring flaming words of life also, which this post is. This internet thingy is not all bad but has allowed common feeling individuals across the face of our shining blue globe to unite. We may not all see eye to eye on everything, but in the big picture we are all the same, thank you for sharing your path. respects. dneil
Burnie said…
Words would not do justice to the feelings your post engendered. I just know that I experience much the same things. I get caught by my anger so easily, when deep down is this man who just wants joy and ecstasy of being our rightful condition. I just can't seem to get there from here. Keep walking grasshopper ha ha. The pictures were beautiful. The snake is Sophia's
Much Love to you and yours
su said…
I am so pleased I could touch your spirit. What an honour.
And we are definitely a tribe -
a magnificent tribe at that.

Ah I stepped into eternity last night.
And the message that the plant gave me was loving what is. loving my rage and my yearning for joy and bliss. just loving what ever arises.
And that includes you my friend.
So definitely includes you.
su said…

Three nights before I had the ayahuasca I was wrestling these enormous boas.

Sage my 14 year old took that image. He has the sight.
nina said…
This is a great post Su. Maybe my third time reading it over. I'd like very much to hear Tao's experience, if possible, in your words. You are so courageous, so brave.

The artwork you've highlit is achingly beautiful. Taking it in through every pore, I was reminded I was headed into that direction early on and took another, now I will go back. It beckons.

This mind thing, it is a constant battle fending its interference, freeacre brought this up last week, thank you for posting about it, that you are so conscious of what is happening with mind is very positive. You know that phrase, "peace of mind", there is no such thing. It is equally as false as "war is peace".

Anonymous said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said…
As always, your post got me thinking.

I must try to be compassionate today.

Being compassionate helps the mind.

- Aangirfan
nobody said…
Hey Su, why have I been away so long? Mostly because I was stoned I expect. I always do it without discipline. A joint to watch the sun come up and that's the end of that. No future in it of course. Anyway it's been two weeks now without and suddenly I'm filled with an unquenchable urge to write. It's all been a bit bloody of course but these things happen and then later I won't be.

I know what you mean about the computer. Have you read Jeff Wells' latest piece? I was a big fan of his before, on account of his writing, but lately he's become, I don't know... impenetrable. But still he makes a point about computers short circuiting our ability to think and be patient. I don't know if he used the expression 'to be still' but I will.

But then again I wonder if it isn't just age? Or was I any different when I was younger? I got more done but might that have been because I had a workshop, somewhere to make and do? I haven't had one since and my creativity died with the workshop. It's all such a mystery.

But mate, you have malachite sunbirds. What with being bent for birdwatching I looked them up. On the computer, groan. But whatever, they're such treasures! Spectacular. Even the mousebirds look marvellous. Such long tails. And they get their own order. They're not quite parrots and their not quite anything else. I love mad little oddities like that. The hoopoe is the king of course. He has no relative at all apart from 'birds'. I saw one once and it made my day. Anyway you're very lucky. Do you know what kind of mousebird it is exactly?

I think the only time my mind is still is when I'm watching birds. I find even the most ordinary of birds completely fascinating. Except pigeons maybe.

I won't tell you about the buddha. I'm sure you know already. He coped and what he did anyone can do. It's absurdly easy and it's impossibly difficult. My first step will actually consist of getting away from the net. All that chit-chat. I find it irresistible. So I'll reduce it to one day a week and that mostly spent posting. During the week I'll be as far from wifi and its noise of the world as I can get. See if that works. If it doesn't maybe I just ditch the whole thing altogether.

But not just yet. At the moment I'm being bloody. But that's okay.
Anonymous said…
Dear Sister, your mind is a riot!

Rapid firing bursts of thoughts...

the mad monkey..!

What about bringing it some calm?

Think of nothing, express nothing or less...

None of "my master, your master" stuff...

Follow nobody...

Not even yourself.

I see your master's face...

it is a picture...

A picture is a picture...

If he be your master, etc - so what?!

Who is his master's master?

Just be...

Try not to have a fit on the Tao to Damascus, baby..!

Anonymous said…
a fitting place of always
around within across
fusing through the matter
the lines of all adjust
beautys scent unravels
a heart within the mind
the climbing truths of freedom
through the moments shine
on signs of everlasting
through the garden gates
up the path of instantly
a sudden truth awakes
on lakes atune vibrations
echo through the wilds
motions long through everywhere
where paradise does smile

Anonymous said…
sorry its taken so long to susie su,,,,

I feel at peace again now....neil
Erin Parsley said…
Beautifully compelling sharing Su. I so especially love the final paragraph:

"I enter this realm again with the intention of love.
Nothing more than love.
May it fill my very being till completion.
May this cell in the body of humanity catch some light."

That expresses so exactly how I am starting to approach each day now. Meditation also offers such a space, where this is possible. The wonderful side effect is the lighten-ing of the body's boundaries, then Light embraces.

Thank you.
Pangolin said…
Once a parrot fish nibbled a bit of odd coral and suddenly saw the water, which she had lived in all her life but never seen. Then she saw that the clouds at the surface where boats, and that they contained creatures who were not fish but would sometimes come and swim like fish, and she saw that the sun and the moon were a great distance above the top of the water, and she saw that all the other things swimming and waving around her shared the same water, and they were sisters. And all of this was true and good.

While she was in her great joy at finally seeing the truth she had drifted away from her coral tree and a moray noticed. There she was in the open water paying no mind to her danger. He shot forward hoping for an easy meal. The parrot fish in her awe and wonder swam forward to dance with the moray and this confused it. Why does this food swim towards me? Why does it not bite or sting? It thrashed in confusion thinking that maybe he had mistaken a poisonous lionfish for food and dashed away.

Parrot fish turned and saw her home from a great distance and realized that it was home and she loved it. She dashed over to tell it of her love just as the odd coral finished it's magic. Parrot fish realized the folly of dancing with the moray but also the beauty. She was careful to only nibble the odd coral after that when she had a friend to watch and remind her that she was a parrot fish, the water had always been there, there were always lights at the top of the water and that sometimes it wasn't wise to stray from home.

Truth and beauty are wonderful things but there are still sharp teeth in the world. Care must be taken, the waters must be tasted, and the dangers observed.
su said…
ah I could tell you about the hoopoes and the paradise fly catchers nesting in the garden, but seeing as i was not on the dinner party list - sorry for you.
su said…

Pleased you are at peace again.
beautys scent unravels
a heart within the mind
the climbing truths of freedom
through the moments shine

each line captures the sentiment.
the one the heart within the mind particularly held resonance.

Life within Creation,
It again all boils down to light.
The substance or the lack of weight.
In those moments of stillness when the witness disappears, then there is only this light - even if it is dark.
su said…
I really liked the story.
Very Steinerish.
Am going to e mail you with some questions.
nobody said…
Ayah! Sorry Su. If you notice in the comments I did say that the dinner party was one thing and the after party was another. All were invited to that. Otherwise it was two in the morning when I threw that thing together. It was an insert that came at the last minute and was a single para and a hell-bent photoshop frenzy.

Sure enough the next day I realised the whole thing was very boy heavy. That would never escape me were I not a) hell-bent and b) exhausted. Otherwise, of course you would be in there. You're one of the few people I know that I have a photo of. The rest I have to make up, ha ha. Honestly, Spike Milligan?

Actually I enjoyed making that pic so much I'm wondering if I might not do it again without the red-mist framework. I'd have to do an apologia of course but as you know, I'm a past master at that.

Now off to say bravo to Peter/Pieter for his brilliant missive. Ciao Ciao.

PS You have Hoopoes? Damn. Do you know their Latin name? It's Upapa Epos, ha ha ha. Proper names be damned, we'll just name them after their call! Latin? Pah!
su said…

upapa epos - what a cool name, much mroe satisfying than hoopoe.
the hadeda ibis is the bird that gets the chuckle in me going.
new to the southern western cape, they discovered this garden which is rich in earth worms. the entire region around here is very hard, stoney ground. here they plunge their long beaks into this soft, rich soil and come out with a wiggle of worms.

they make the strangest call when they are flying. it almost makes one wonder if they aren't a tad scared of flying.

wishing you wonders of delight, peace and letting go....

Popular Posts