Taking leave of my Goddess

6 weeks ago to the day a series of events occurred that created a radical change of lifestyle.

The first one was in the sleeping dream. I was taking care of a child’s much loved corn snakes. They were on a table in front of me and the male, orange, brown and black suddenly pounced on his life partner, pink and white, and started swallowing her. I was too shocked to move immediately, they were after all life partners. By the time action happened all that was left was her tail sticking out of his mouth. I tried to pull her out to no avail. The child entered the room and gently pulled and sure enough she came out unharmed. He then flashed me a grin and left and sure enough the same thing repeated itself.

Then in the waking dream I went walking in the gorge. Came upon a pit, and in the pit were many baboon skeletons and skulls. Some large, some small but it was a mass grave. I went to Cape Nature but they told me farmers set traps as these creatures are incredibly destructive. Its not that they eat what they need they literally rampage and can destroy an entire orchard and vineyard. So the men who toil the soil kill them – what else can they do. I guess the baboons being here first has no bearing here, or give them no rights; after all they do not own the pieces of paper making them owners of the land. They have just become a nuisance.

Then there was a domestic dispute involving a man a woman and a broken bottle. Managed to break it up thanks to both parties severe inebriation and an inability for the man to lunge to far forwards without falling flat on his face.

I saw clouds of poison every day being sprayed on the grapes to keep them free of mould. I saw the drivers of the tractors spraying, with no masks, just breathing it all as are we all. It is thick in the air.

I saw pictures of children killed and injured in Gaza and pictures of grieving parents. And even in this village far from Zimbabwe, I see the Zimbabweans creeping in, starvation outweighing the fear of xenophobic attacks. And further afield people have become slaves without even knowing it.

The sleeping dream pretty much covers the current sense of being. Eaten alive, being sucked in and yet at the same time the possibility for regeneration is always present. And regeneration is seen to be needed direly.

This mind has slipped into some quick sand and thoughts were tending to obsessive, with a more then necessary dose of fear thrown in to the mixture. Life had lost its sweetness and I was projecting my stuff onto others with false sagacity intertwined with vehemence. (Thanks psychegram).

This was not a pretty picture. Catching a glimpse of myself in a window sent a shock wave down my spine. The smile that is normally the first thing you will see of me had changed direction and was edging its way to the floor. And the furrows between my brow had changed from lines of intensity to lines of insanity.

So lighting up a joint my 20 year old happens upon me and we sit down to talk.
He asks how long I have smoked – “oh give or take 462 full moons” I reply. Take away pregnancy and breastfeeding.
How often he asks –“ well one in the morning and one in the afternoon”.
At that point the doorbell rings and I immediately dive into the bushes to avoid social interaction. Why would I want to talk to anyone is my immediate response.
He raises his eyebrows and in the gentlest way challenges me to stop my life of devotion to the goddess ganja.

I had not even thought about it. Never beat myself up about it, it was just who I was, but in the few minutes following his challenge, neurons fired up and a decision was made (way out of my control) that it was time and that was it.
For 6 weeks and a few hours the goddess and I have walked separate paths.

Unbelievable bursts of anger have appeared that I did not even know were harbored in this body mind. Lethargy reigns supreme and it is just a question of getting through the day. Still diving away from any social interaction, still looking for that sweetness which used to present itself with each inhalation.

Then an internal messenger informed me that perhaps if I lowered the toxicity levels of this body, joy would be forthcoming. So on day 4 of a grape fast (from an organic farm), I sit and write this, knowing that you beings out there in this particular sphere are a great gift and a smile of gratitude appears on these lips.
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nina said…
Its so much easier to count contentions than to count our blessings, isn't it?
say_v said…
hy... nice blog... "GO BLOG"... in yo,r scream
brian kennedy said…
Hi Susana,
Regarding straightening/purifying the body chemistry I have a couple of tips you might find interesting. One i've been using is a book Green For LIfe, and find it very helpful in practice. The other I just heard about and read a little on the web, called 80 10 10. I have an intuition that it is very good, even better that the other.
Anonymous said…
You always stand before us naked with such honesty for the giving--
Confusing times in the silhouettes and shadows that the swirls seems to have become--
I went over to Les' latest and just couldn't read it--so tired of predictions and looking in the rearview mirror since 911--tired of overturning rocks and wondering if there is a politician kissing babies over the next horizon with his hand in the diaper--
Seems I can't type enough, fast enough before the next wave wipes out what I had written in the sand--my train of thought at times seems to have left the station without me--
Totally unaffected by the past--which I hear is a state of growth, yet i am just numb to it, as I am to even yesterday--
I suppose i never really had any expectations of myself in how I thought things would turn out because one way or the other, they always turn out how they do--
It is as it is--
I know this doesn't make much sense but you just have a way of sharing that which humbles me to the core--
This internet thing even seems to be lagging with me lately--It's just not enough any more--
Would be so wonderful to sit with people of like mind and say everything, or just revel in the peace and grace--for a time, within a time--
Know that my thoughts are with you and the rest of my fellow misfits who ride the range of my mind and spirit--

susana said…
Gratitude is the most prevalent arising in the absence of mind.
It is in the presence of mind that resistance arises with the force of a tornado.
As Jj says - things turn out how they do it is as it is.
Acceptance of it all must be the ultimate peace.
and Jj you come into this space with a touch so gentle.
Lying in bed last night unable to sleep doubt crept in about the writing on this blog. So personal. What does it say? Why do I not write universally like others etc etc. Misgivings, doubts etc.
So to find your acknowledgment on this page is like reaching the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I too would love to sit together with the "fellow misfits who ride the range of my mind and spirit" in peace in peace and perhaps it can happen. Perhaps teleportation is not too far away. (Grin)
so beautifully.

Brian, Thanks for the info on 80 10 10 - went and looked into it. My intention (okay suppress laughter now)is to do the grape fast for 21 days and then do raw for a further month. By which time winter will be here and warm food will be needed.
But hey in two hours time I could well be drinking a cappuccino up the road. May God's will and mine be the same.
Anonymous said…
I get tired of the yin-yang, what level are you on, above, beneath, unattainable, who's got the biggest enlightenment, who won the spiritual lottery with the ticket they found on the ground, or a little talking bird brought them--thing.

I have pretty much stopped reading any books, news articles, etc. They always seem to end up going in the same circle until you end up biting yourself in the butt--again, again, again--false hopes I suppose--one stop shop--
Sometimes the ride is slow and sometimes you come up so fast only to embed yourself somewhere you didn't even want a proctologist to venture only to be recycled by the life process and spit out again--same shit, different day--but just sometimes-- a reflection of sorts--I would rather see myself in a calm pool of clear water than in the water at the sewage plant--all needed for our reflection--
Just don't know if the balance we seek is in other peoples words, or if the words for us wait at the end of our pen or fingers on the keyboard--can it even be written?
Do we spend so much time trying to define it, encapsulate it, that we miss the moments that can't be written or explained without losing the grace of the moment--
For me, it doesn't lay at the top of a mountain, in some yogi's words or anything like that--perhaps looking in those directions, as so many have is another diversion of the "I am not worthy" game--
My brain hurts so that's enough for now--
Going down to the ocean soon to just wash clean--

susana said…
I will join you in the ocean.
I too need a cleanse.
nobody said…
Hey Susana,

If you want any assistance in quitting drugs, I'm your man. I've successfully quit tobacco many, many times. Same for dope, coffee, and alcohol.

Don't listen to those bullshit artists who've only done it once. What would they know? Bloody neophytes.
Anonymous said…
I have no intention of quitting anything that I enjoy because someone else tries to make me think I should feel guilty about it--
nobody: never go pro and give up your amateur status--it would just take away from the whole mystique--

and, although Hunter S. Thompson states that "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"--I will always remain in it for love of the game--as an amateur--

susana said…
Thanks for the offer.
I too have stopped smoking cigarettes more than anyone else I know, so I do feel myself to be an adept on that score.
Perhaps we should pool our resources together.

As for the ganja, it is 6 weeks now and that sweetness remains elusive.
Productivity is higher. Cleaned my office in a way that left my mouth hanging open in wonder.
As within/without kind of thing.
But still feel flat and missing some vital ingredient.
I guess having started at the age of 15 when the brain had not matured created a different wiring pattern. Who knows. Will give it a while longer.
So any advice on the sweetness?

Jj - I agree - going pro takes the no out of body and puts a some in its place.
nobody said…
No advice mate, just that I miss that feeling myself. I once quit all drugs for three months. The first week or two aside, I felt insanely brilliant. Fond memories. One day I shall feel that good again.

Oh, and that three months ended with me on a road-trip with a mad consumer of all things wicked. I decided it would be poor of me to assert my right to feel brilliant over The Spirit of the Road Trip. Such things must be embraced fully or not at all, and thus there was nothing for it but to go full tilt.

Pro? Good God. Not a very likely prospect for a fellow without a bank account. Nope, one way or another oblivion is my lot. I just keep my fingers crossed in the hopes of somewhere comfortable to sit occasionally.
Anonymous said…
Michael has a new post up at newagriculture--nicely written--

Anonymous said…
jj ha ha, biting yourself in the butt, very funny! The funny thing about "the search" is you really can't voluntarily desist, short of enlightenment.
nobuddy, have you ever thought of doing standup? Thanks for all yer yips and quips mate.Was your road trip companion the same as Hunter S Thompson's in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?... just wonderin'...
su, love your self-confessed quality, blessings to you, the family and the g-pigs, not that you don't consider them family... I know that it's a g-thang with you...just sayin"

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